Ah, so you've entered your villain era
And why it's not villainous at all
đâŻđ¶đ đ±âŽđŸđč is an advice column for for neuroqueer, neurocurious existentialist philosophers. Once or twice a month I will be answering your questions on any of the following themes: âŸđ€ Late-diagnosed autism + ADHD âŸđ€ Being highly-sensitive in a overwhelming world âŸđ€ Menopause & perimenopause âŸđ€ Middle age, the âmidlife crisisâ, cronehood âŸđ€ Navigating late-stage capitalism âŸđ€ Overcoming addiction âŸđ€ Reclaiming our bodies (as an antidote to the patriarchy + capitalism) âŸđ€ The healing power of nature âŸđ€ Animal familiars âŸđ€ Sitting with difficult emotions âŸđ€ Nervous system regulation âŸđ€ Navigating relationships âŸđ€ Shadow work.
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Dear Void,
Iâm perimenopausal and I have ZERO TOLERANCE for peopleâs BS anymore. Especially people who arenât working on themselves in any meaningful way, or people who take from my precious energy (of which I have little to begin with, IYKYK...) I guess my question is: how do you deal with how this affects relationships, when youâve been a people-pleaser all your life? Thanks!
~ Anonymous
Dear Anon,
Someday Iâll write a whole book about this. I really feel you, truly. This is the âvillain eraâ that people have been talking about on socials for years. Of course, it only feels like weâre being the villain because of the stark contrast between the assertive, boundaried, no-nonsense person weâve become and the fawning people-pleaser of yore. When youâre erecting boundaries for the first time it can feel scary, and like youâre going to lose people left, right and centre. As helpful as it may be to remember this truth: people who are upset about your boundaries were benefitting from you having none - it is still a big leap to make. And the threat of loss is still very real, and very visceral to the body, mind and soul.
We often people-please and fawn due to survivalism. Weâre simply trying to remain safe, loved, housed and fed. Women are far more likely to have to fawn in order to remain safe than men - our smaller stature and the inescapable nature of the patriarchy ensures that dynamic. This, plus the fact that one of estrogenâs main biological and psychological roles is to help us tolerate the male species, creates an unspoken resignation to defer (or ultimately give away) our power.
So - itâs no wonder, that in perimenopause, (or simply as we age and gain wisdom and autonomy) - we find ourselves suddenly at the end of our rope. Our tolerance has jumped the fucking ship and is nowhere to be found.
At once this is empowering and devastating. Empowering because it acts as a deep awakening, like Pippinâs tomfoolery creating a chain of events that awakens the Balrog in the Mines of Moria. The Balrog represents our sacred rage and our long-overdue boundaries that are suddenly ready and willing to lash offenders with its fiery whip.
This pivotal moment is simultaneously devastating because, as mentioned, it means the death of one life and the beginning of another. Dear gentle reader, I donât care how positive a change is - how ultimately for the better it is. All change is a petite mort, a little death, and there is some measure of grief and shedding of skin involved. Many things can be true at once - the grief and the loss comes with the empowerment and joy.
Something Iâve learned from being so staunchly adherent to my integrity, my principles and - ultimately - my soul, is that it is a little lonely. Certainly lonelier than the fawning, people-pleasing younger self once was. When you feel that you can be for everyone, when you can mask and camouflage and mould and shape and contort yourself into being everyoneâs friend, desire, idol, goal, inspiration, support - it really is quite astonishing just how flexible the self can be. And because it is rewarded (even praised!) by society at large and patriarchal, colonialist notions of selflessness you definitely do feel quite good, actually - for a long time - behaving this way. Itâs reinforced and reinforced and reinforced time and time again. Itâs a feedback loop that starts young and ends in extreme burnout. When we hit our people-pleasing limit - whether it be our hormones going bye-bye, or through some other means - often weâve HIT OUR FUCKING LIMIT. Meaning, we actually surpassed it long ago and have been running on fumes.
There seems to be a lot of guilt that arises when we reach this point of no return. We think, âOh my god, why am I like this? Why am I being so selfish? Whatâs wrong with me?â Yet again, the society we live in has successfully brainwashed us into thinking we, as the individual, are the problem and it is somehow our responsibility to keep up these dynamics, these pretenses, in order to keep the peace. In no way could it ever be systemic, intergenerational, no no. And boy, is it ever tempting to try and keep the old dynamics going - especially because this is uncharted territory and wouldnât it be easier to just go back to the way things were?
A friend recently told me that her brother blames their mother for the failure of her marriage to their father. He said that he believed menopause was the culprit. âWhen mom went into menopause, it ruined everything.â he said. My eyes rolled all the way back into my head, and made a cartoonish âboioioioioiiiingâ noise as they found their way back forward. What happened between their parents simply was that their mother awakened to the programming she had been imbued with as a woman growing up in the 60s, 70s 80s and beyond. The roles, the silence, the assumed dynamics, the deference to men, plural. She began healing, sought solace in her art, and found empowerment on her own. The husband simply could not handle the ways that she was changing. And this is so often how things shake out - but who is actually blamed for these fractures? The woman, of course. No wonder we fear this change so much. It ends up feeling like a damned if you do, damned if you donât situation. And sometimes you must choose between a familiar damnation or a novel one.
HoweverâŠevolution is evolution. We may certainly try to arrest it if our fear is the strongest force - but contorting ourselves back into a shape that is no longer existentially tolerable will (sooner rather than later) create even more rage, more resentment, and ill health. We must go into the uncharted territory.
Anon - really, the only way forward is to understand that there may be loss, and to be prepared to deal with it. Perhaps it tempers things a little to remember that if there is loss with this newfound empowerment, the connection(s) werenât as genuine as we thought they were. That, too, comes with its own grief and disillusionment - but so be it. The space that is no longer being suffocated by siphoning relationships will now be open either to new ones, or simply to tend to yourself. Perimenopause requires a lot of this inner space in order to navigate the uncertain, sometimes stormy seas of change. It makes sense that you no longer have this room to field the rest - your body and mind are undergoing many metamorphoses, and they, my gentle reader, are sacred. Evolution should not be denied. The only person you should be pleasing is yourself.
Until next time,
Love and wolves.
D xx
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