This question recently landed in our inbox:
Dear Fae,
I’ve seen you talk a lot about getting sober on your insta over the years. Congrats, btw. Each time I see you and other people post about it, something feels agitated in me. I can tell I want to do it too. Or at least I think so? I don’t know if I’d consider myself an alcoholic but I drink a lot to numb myself and to get along in social situations. I live in a place where drinking (not just on a weekend but after work on weeknights) is kinda the norm. I also suspect I’m ADHD so I feel…I dunno-super addicted. I’m scared of what may happen. Thanks. Lara.
Dear Lara,
Thank you for being so transparent in your struggles. It makes perfect sense that you’re nervous about a) what the transition period may be like in getting sober and b) what life will be like afterward - not just in terms of your own internal landscape, but also socially.
If you’re neurodivergent, chances are alcohol (and other intoxicants, if you do them) have become an addiction. The reason I make this distinction is because we NDs are generally a little bit lacking in dopamine, so we go hunting for it in (sometimes) destructive ways. We can be sensory avoidant or sensory seeking - and if we gravitate towards substances, that falls under the seeking category. Our brains love that reward feeling, and alcohol can act as a reward.
I used alcohol to cope with trauma, homelessness, undiagnosed neurodivergence and social situations. For a long time I enjoyed how it made me feel: more confident, empowered, bold…it gave me more physical and emotional stamina socially, and - like you - I numbed myself with it. Sensory issues and social difficulties became less acute and raw while drunk, and I felt as though I could be more on par with everyone else. I treated it like it was a ritual - I’d try not to get too drunk (or stoned, or what have you) each day so that I could repeat the experience the next day, and the next day, etc. Again - the reward centre of the brain: it wanted that rush. So I sought after it habitually, addictively.
Similarly to where you seem to be now, I had a pervasive, unshakable feeling in the late summer of 2013 that I needed to at least try sobriety. I don’t think I was even considering it on those terms (aka - “I’m an addict and I need to go all the way over to the other side and be sober”) I just felt like I was oversaturated, and alcohol was starting to make me feel gross. I’d quit cigarettes, weed, hard drugs etc in 2007, but booze held on tight for 6 years afterward. In retrospect it made sense - as we’ve been outlining, it is the social lubricant, and especially for neurodivergent people, we use it to mask.
But I was beginning to notice that I had a hard time without it, and also a hard time with it. Life was feeling a lot like this Simpsons moment:
And so, one day in October, I quit - cold turkey.
Did things - like emotional debris I hadn’t processed, that was kept repressed by alcohol - come up? Yes! In droves!
Did the lack of sensory / social numbing make many social situations untenable over time? Yes!
But did I eventually find immense strength in not using it as mask, or an emotional crutch? Also yes!
It wasn’t an overnight adjustment by any stretch. Some friends that were essentially just ‘drinking friends’ - but that I thought were real friends - became alienated. The emotional debris and unprocessed trauma was a tsunami in my body for a while. I didn’t realize that alcohol had acted like a dam, and once I was fully sober and clear-headed, the dam burst. It was harrowing to experience, but absolutely necessary - and so many things came into focus that felt shrouded and unavailable to me while I was addicted. It was like walking out of a thick fog.
So my advice to you, Lara, is if it’s calling - give sobriety a shot. The thing that a lot of people don’t seem to consider is that you don’t have to place an immense amount of pressure on yourself to ‘get it right.’ Telling yourself you have to be ‘perfect’ at sobriety feels like shooting yourself in the foot before you’ve even started the race. As you say, you feel that you’re addicted. It’s so great that you can even identify that. Many people can’t. Having this awareness means that you know it may be a challenge for you to stick by it, which can provide more tools and patience while you transition.
Give yourself reasonable goals: for example, deciding not to drink at a party, or maybe don’t go altogether. Don’t drink for a week. Or set a goal for two weeks. See how you feel. If you tell yourself that you must not touch a drop of alcohol again in your life, then this amount of pressure is enormous. It also makes drinking forbidden, which gives it that tantalizing quality. I remember when I was trying to quit smoking - years before I actually did - I tried everything from hypnosis to making a great big proclamation to all of my friends to ‘keep me accountable’ and nothing worked because a) I didn’t truly want to quit and b) I was putting an immense amount of pressure on myself to perfect the art of quitting.
All of the times I successfully quit doing something addictive I did not set unreasonable expectations. I just went with my gut instinct, and it built upon itself.
This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t let friends and family know, if you think that may help seal the deal and provide the support you need. By all means, gather as much support around you as you can. If you have some ‘drinking buddies’ that won’t understand, or will feel threatened by your decision, remember - those are their emotions and fears, not yours. It is challenging to inadvertently confront someone’s lifestyle choices by altering your own, and it can be a time of grief in your sobriety journey to potentially lose some of these people. Perhaps it does not have to be so cut and dry, though - I still have many friends who drink, I just don’t do it with them.
As for the emotions that may arise as a result of sobriety - this is where your support network comes in. Do you have a therapist, or can you obtain one? If you can’t afford the hourly rate, perhaps you can get on a waiting list of free or low cost therapy in your area. Lastly - there is AA (alcoholics anonymous). Some people have mixed feelings about this - I definitely did, when I went to some meetings - but ultimately the people are very kind, understanding and knowledgable. It is another great support system if you need or want it.
You can do it! I believe in you! Check out my friend Ruby Warrington’s book Sober Curious for much more on this, too.
Thanks, Lara, for your question. If you have a question for me for this ASK FAE segment, feel free to email hello@faewolfe.com or ask in the comments section!
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Until next time, love and wolves.
D xx